Watch your mouth

Making sure my kids' first words aren't spelled like “$#&^!”

Editor's Note: This article originally ran on March 13, 2012 in The Maine Edge and is reprinted here with permission.

By Katy England

I'm not a party animal. I do partake of the occasional beer with dinner, but I don't smoke, don't go clubbing - heck, I hardly ever get out except to hit the office or meet with someone for work. Case in point, I am having a party this weekend to make baby food. Yep. Wild.

But I do have vices. I swear – as in cuss. Not just a little. A lot. I love swearing. I enjoying cursing like some people enjoy chocolate. And once I get started it's difficult to stop, and who would want to?

Until I tucked my six-month-old son and said, “I love you.”

And he looked at me and replied, “Ai ov ooo.” The intonation and spacing of those nonsensical syllables were so precise that my husband, overhearing, looked over at me and said, “Oh my God.”

Don't get me wrong,I know those weren't his first words. I know he didn't realize what he was saying (even though he clearly is one of the three smartest babies in the world). But I do know that it has begun. He hears what we say and is giving it back.

Now I have a swear jar. And I've already paid in close to ten bucks for f-bombs, s-words and witches with a b. I've paid in advance for those times when I can't lay hands on a quarter.

Though I have to admit, it's almost as fun not swearing as it was cussing like a sailor. I get to say all manner of delightful things, including “consarnit!”

Here's a list of great sayings or fill-ins that have been making an appearance since giving up cursing. Try to guess what sayings or expressions they're replacing and it makes this whole column more fun.

For Pete's sake – I've become incredibly vested in Pete's well-being. I'm sure he appreciates it.

For crying out loud – Kind of stating the obvious when you have three infants at the same time. Someone is, surely, crying out loud. Might even be me.

Drat! - Go on, say it. It's fun!

Gosh darn it – This is just cute, and you'll get looks.

Bless your heart – This one can actually change a frustrating moment to something kinder.

Oh, fiddlesticks! -   Another keeper. I should have been saying this much more often.

Diddly-squat – How awesome is this little gem?

The best part about improving my dastardly vocabulary is finding out when you say something slightly silly or cute, you feel better. It eases the tension in a way that full-blown cussing just doesn't do. Feel free to share your favorite non-swears. I could use them. I'm going broke.