The Lame Superpowers of Pregnancy

(Week 24, let that sink in)

Pregnancy is weird. Guys, you may want to look into some of Allen Adams’ sports columns – there’s also a review of “Conan” a couple pages back. You have been warned.

Let me just say that I had it easy. For some women, pregnancy is non-stop nausea with difficulty keeping any food down. Add in some very serious complications, and pregnancy issues can be no laughing matter. That being said, some of the strange, embarrassing side effects of having children are funny – gross,but funny. Especially in retrospect. Here are a few of the strange, gross and just plain irritating side effects of having awesome children.

Perpetual Pee – This happened sooner than I thought. I’d heard about frequently using the bathroom, but it was typically associated with the third trimester, when the kid was pressing down on the bladder. Well, it’s also a first trimester bout of fun due to the changing shape of the uterus and the ubiquitous hormones.

Super sense of smell – This doesn’t sound like a bad super power, until you realize it’s almost entirely geared towards bad smells. That perfume that someone decided to marinade in; cigarette smoke; something off in the fridge; the dreaded shared bathroom in the building – all become bio-hazards rather than mild inconveniences. This is mostly because of the next useless superpower.

Super-sensitive gag reflex – So, I know I’m lucky in that my morning sickness consisted mostly of mild to moderate nausea rather than physical illness. However, this came with one caveat: I would gag at almost everything. Bad smell in the bathroom, too much toothpaste on my toothbrush, patchouli – you name it.

Super tired – A little word like fatigue doesn’t really do justice to the level of exhaustion I felt in the first trimester. The way zombies crave brains was the way I was craving sleep for the first three months. And I acted pretty much like a zombie for that time too.

Super lateness – I always prided myself on punctuality. If I wasn’t early, I consider ed myself late. Even before the kids were born, my time stopped being my own. I had to start eating like a Hobbit (Breakfast, second breakfast, luncheon, dinner, supper, afternoon tea, plus a midnight snack here and there) and packing lunch became an ordeal. Couple that with the never-ending trips to the bathroom, then looking after three kids – I think I need to invent a new time zone.

Anti-cravings – When I first realized I was pregnant, I looked forward to the cravings. I wanted to see all the weird things I would combine and eat. That turned into bland disappointment when not only did those cravings not materialize, but I stopped caring about eating things that I formerly loved. Like bread. I mean, I freaking love bread (choose it as one of the few foods I could consistently eat on a deserted island kind of love) and I didn’t want it. Weird, says I.

Heartburn of Doom – I thought I knew what heartburn was. You know, when you’re trying to go to sleep and you get a little burning sensation in your chest, pop a Tums and go to bed. Right?

Holy crap. The kind of heartburn you get when you’re pregnant feels like someone poured a flask of acid in the middle of my chest, then repeatedly punched me there. And that isn’t evening counting the third trimester reflux, where if I didn’t manage to prop myself up in some kind of upright position, I would end up re-experiencing whatever I had eaten in the last three to five hours. Awesome.

I believe that all of these weird, gross, embarrassing powers are good for one thing – preparing you for the ultimate bizarre experience of giving birth. Because if you think this was weird, gross and embarrassing – you ain’t seen nothing yet. And I’m not writing a story about that. Not without a huge pay raise.