Potty Mouth

By Katy England

There’s plenty of things for parents to fight about, everything from breast milk vs. formula to which color toys you buy. So, here’s my opinion on potty training.

I suck at it. I mean, I must, right? It took me almost the entirety of five years to finish… and to be honest, we’re not done. Yes, we stopped buying diapers (not as long ago as I’d like) but we’re done. And things have gotten so much grosser. There’s nothing about potty training I like. None of it. It all sucks. 

As soon as they are done peeing and pooping in their pants they transition to peeing and pooping in their pants. Just without diapers. It’s awesome. Oh, and let’s not forget their beds. Good lord.

If I could go back and do one thing all over again, it would be to never, ever buy the mini-potties. Nothing against them really, they work perfectly fine. They’re easy to clean, but nothing stops the fact that you essentially have a bucket of human waste in your house. And in our case, we have three. And they like to use them, because it’s more convenient, fits their little butts better, and is less of a hassle than the little stepstool, potty bench.

If you are a parent, and you have the option, for the love of God and all that is holy, get the one that fits over your regular toilet. You will have no regrets (well, no regrets outside of having someone living with you who will casually poop in their pants without thinking twice about).

There’s something about kids turning three where everyone just assumes they are potty trained. It’s cool if you get your kids potty trained on or before three years of age – I envy you. I wanted to be you. I had plans, you see.

You’d think a woman who was blessed with spontaneous triplets would know better than to make plans. But no, I just assumed I’d be able to have them all potty trained at roughly the same time.

The age of three came and went and with it went my dreams of having them all out of diapers. It wasn’t for lack of trying. We tried. Bribes, coaxing, begging, chiding, reasoning, natural consequences – and nothing worked. Until it worked. And the only thing I can tell you is that it had nothing to do with me or anything I was trying to do. Each kid just did it.

And I don’t honestly know when the boy first became potty trained. I just know it was well before the girls could be enticed to use the potty with any regularity. Then Pre-K began to loom on the horizon. And with it came societal pressure to have them all out of diapers. And then they were in school. And one of my daughters could make it through the day pullup-free. But not the other.

In a way, it was freeing. Because the worst had literally happened. I was the mom who couldn’t potty train her kids effectively. And huge props to her teachers, and helpers at school. Because the reason why I can still look people in the eye and not die of shame, is because they helped so much.

But it wasn’t until recently when I went through two full shopping cycles without buying overnight pullups that I realized we had arrived. Sort of.

Because yes, we haven’t bought pullups. But it’s still like playing pee-roulette overnight.

So, if you’re kids are 3 or older, and you start getting flack for not being potty trained, they will be. And just tell that person that you’re confident it will happen sometime before they enroll in college.